How Would You Fix This Story?

Lead with Story author Paul Smith has a nifty recent post in which he presents a story a client submitted to him for improvement suggestions.

FixIt

Paul offers his suggestions, but he also invited some of the luminaries of the applied-story world to give theirs.

David HutchensAndrew Nemiccolo, and Annette Simmons have responded.

How would you fix the story?

Paul is considering making this type of exercise a regular feature. I hope he does; it’s a brilliant idea.